On Imposter Syndrome

My dear friend,

The candle is burning beside me again tonight, same quiet flame, same patient light. I just finished a call with a CEO of an international organization, a serious leader, running work in several countries, nominated for an international prize for his impact. He has people quoting him, boards trusting him, and staff who tell him he changed their careers. We finished talking about strategies and partnerships and donors, then he paused and said very softly, almost as if he was saying something he should not say, Ali, sometimes I feel I am pretending. Sometimes I feel I do not deserve this.

I told him what I will tell you now. Almost every leader I know has felt like that. I have felt it many times. The feeling that you are doing the work, but some part of you is afraid that one day someone will stand up in the room and say, You are not supposed to be here.

That feeling has a name. People call it imposter syndrome. I do not like the word syndrome very much, because it makes it sound like an illness. Most of the time, it is simply honesty mixed with fear.

Imposter syndrome is what happens when achievement arrives before your emotions have fully accepted your own value. Your experience says you belong. Your mind says you belong. Your results say you belong. Your body says, Are you sure?

This is very common for people like us. People who did not grow up in the same systems that they now work in. People who came from war, from camps, from villages, from poor neighborhoods, from places where having internet was a luxury. People who learned English late. People who started in admin, in support roles, in field roles, in national contracts, in countries that the world calls fragile. Then suddenly they find themselves in Copenhagen or Geneva, London, or New York or Dubai sitting in rooms with senior directors. The room says, you made it. The heart says, but did I?

Let me explain it simply.

Imposter syndrome feels like this.

You are in a meeting and you are qualified to be there, but you still feel you must prove every sentence.

You receive a compliment and your first reaction is to explain why it was not a big deal.

You achieve something and instead of celebrating, you start thinking that maybe it was luck.

You get promoted and your mind says, What if I fail now.

You are invited to speak and you think, There are people better than me.

This happens to the most talented people. It happens to women who are the only woman in the room. It happens to leaders from the Global South who walk into European rooms. It happens to people who changed sectors. It happens to those who started in humanitarian work in the field and then moved into headquarters. It happens to those who grew too fast. It happens to people who were told many times when they were young that they were not enough.

Here is what I know from living it.

First, imposter syndrome is born in comparison.

When you are in a camp in northern Syria washing your hands with sanitizer and pretending it is soap, you do not feel like an imposter. You feel like a survivor. When you are running evacuations in Afghanistan, or distributing food in Nigeria, or managing floods in South Sudan, you do not have time to think if you belong. You just do the work. The voice comes later, when you sit in an office with people who speak differently, who have stronger academic backgrounds, who went to different universities, who reference books and policies you have not read yet. Then you look at them and look at yourself and you think, I am behind. That’s how I felt many times.

So this is the first practice. Replace comparison with context. Tell yourself, I did not come from the same road. My road was harder. My knowledge came from real life. My experience came from crisis. I did not sit in a perfect classroom. I sat in tents. I sat in dusty compounds. I sat in rooms where people cried. That is also knowledge. That is not less.

Second, imposter syndrome grows in silence.

When you never say it, it becomes bigger. When I told that CEO that I also felt it, I could feel his shoulders relaxing through the screen. We think we are the only ones. We think everyone else is confident all the time. It is not true. I once sat with an Executive Director who had worked for three decades and she said, Every time I move to a new role, I feel I must prove myself again. This was someone who had managed large emergencies. Yet she still felt it. That made me understand that confidence is not a permanent place. It is a practice.

So speak it. Tell a mentor. Tell a friend. Tell your journal. Say, I feel like an imposter today. You will see that the feeling becomes smaller when it is named.

Third, imposter syndrome loses power when you collect evidence.

This is something I do for myself. I go back and look at what I have done. Not to brag. To remind myself that I did not arrive here by accident. I list things like this.

I worked in Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan in the middle of a war.

I worked in South Sudan in deep field.

I worked in Nigeria managing several regions.

I led grants at headquarters with more than one billion dollars in active grants.

I led finance policies and processes.

I sat on a board.

I trained people.

I responded to crises.

I wrote.

I kept learning.

I am saying this here to show you something. Your path may be different, but you have your own list. Write it for yourself. When the voice comes and says you are not enough, show it the receipts.

Fourth, imposter syndrome becomes smaller when you take responsibility.

I learned that in headquarters. We were working on a global project and things were not as planned. There were many reasons. Competing priorities. Reviews. Inputs from several teams. It would have been easy to say, This is because others did not send their part. I chose to tell my boss, This delay is on me. I should have staggered the process better. I should have insisted on earlier inputs. I will fix it.

Do you see what happened. I did not get smaller. I became stronger. Because when you take responsibility, the fear of being exposed goes away. You are already exposing yourself. You are saying, I am not perfect, but I am trustworthy. And trust is more important than perfection.

Fifth, create a practice that keeps you grounded.

For some people it is prayer. For some it is journaling. For some it is calling a friend. For me it is reflection and learning. I am always learning. Even now. Even after all these years. I still do online courses. I still read. I still listen. I still ask. Not because I do not know anything. Because I want to keep strengthening the ground under my feet. When you grow, the voice of the imposter has less to hold on to.

Sixth, remember that sometimes the system around you is the problem.

I have seen leaders make others feel like imposters by the way they speak. When a manager always corrects your English instead of listening to your idea. When an international staff takes credit for the work of national staff. When a colleague looks surprised when you present well. When someone says, You speak very good English for your background. This is not about you. This is about them. Sometimes the feeling we call imposter syndrome is actually a reaction to exclusion.

So do not blame yourself for things that were created by unhealthy environments. Change the environment when you can. When you cannot, protect yourself by staying close to people who see you.

Seventh, use imposter syndrome as a signal, not as a verdict.

If you feel it, ask yourself, What is it trying to tell me. Maybe it is telling you that you are in a new season. Maybe it is telling you that you need more knowledge on this specific topic. Maybe it is telling you to slow down and prepare. Maybe it is telling you that you care. People who do not care do not feel it. Only people who want to do well feel it.

Let me tell you one more thing. Many of us from the humanitarian world became used to being the helper. We are good at serving. We are good at giving. We are good at being in the background. The moment we are seen, we become uncomfortable. Visibility can trigger imposter feelings. You must teach yourself to stand in the light without apologising for it. Not because of ego. Because people need to see leaders who look like you and who came from where you came from.

The candle beside me is lower now. There is less wax than when I started. But it is still giving light. That is how it is with us. We can work in wars, travel between countries, survive layoffs, build teams, lose teams, start again, and still shine. Sometimes we shine softer. Sometimes we shine tired. But we still shine.

So, my friend, if today you feel like an imposter, do not panic. Sit with it. Write down what you have done. Call someone who knows your journey. Remind yourself of the rooms you entered and the tables you built for others. Then go to sleep knowing this.

You are not in your position by accident.

You are not leading by accident.

You are not writing by accident.

You did not survive all of that to be a mistake.

The feeling is temporary. Your work is not.

Until tomorrow, keep your light steady, keep learning, and when that voice of doubt knocks on the door, open it, smile at it, and keep working.

With truth and steadiness,

Ali Al Mokdad